It's no secret that more and more foreigners with higher and higher qualifications are flocking to Beijing for career opportunities.

This is mixed news for those of us who already live here. On the plus side, English classes should soon be cheaper than happy-hour Tsingtao beers. On the minus side, landlords can still charge 5,000 yuan per month for a 75-sq-m flat in Haidian district.

But my purpose here is not to weigh advantages and disadvantages of this economic migration. Rather, it is to humbly offer you new immigrants (you're not expats if you're planning to stay) five guidelines for how to fit in as painlessly as possible.

Guideline 1: Return the politeness.

It's a heady experience, being a fresh foreigner in Beijing. You're the guest of honor at meals, and when a new dish comes, the lazy Susan always spins to a stop with the most expensive dishes by you. The five-star hotel concierge beams at you as you race through the lobby, even though you're just sneaking in to use the bathroom.

Colleagues make sure you get in the elevator first. It's all too easy to start assuming this star treatment is due to your bedazzling smile or sterling sense of humor.

The truth, however, is that people who show you scrupulous politeness are hoping for the same in return.

But you'll catch yourself at a party, or the bar, making a round of introductions, and naming your fellow foreigners first.

You'll blame the drink-stand lady for not understanding "green tea", no matter how you pronounce it. Which leads to the next guideline, though not before an admonition to make consideration your byword, because returned politeness is always noticed and appreciated.

Guideline 2: Learn the language.

Very obvious - you'd think. And getting at least the basics of Mandarin is on even the laziest new immigrant's to-do list. Amazing, though, how quickly time flies, with so few Chinese characters to show for it. "After all," you'll reason, "everyone is learning English here, anyway. I can tell the taxi driver 'left turn' and 'stop'." Five years later, you still can't tell the waitress you want soy sauce, not vinegar. Be warned, it's a slippery slope.

Disciplined types resort to private tutors and the like, but that's really not necessary. You only need to truly open your mind and heart to China. Make some Chinese friends who can't help you with your joint venture. Notice how the same character appears on every road sign that has "bridge" in English underneath it.

Of course, if you're a newly-arrived Chinese major, none of this applies to you. The keys to Beijing are yours, if you care to leave Wudaokou and use them.

Guideline 3: Leave the cultural baggage at home.

It's the No 1 way to show you're a Beijing newbie, and a bit of a bumpkin, to boot. "Can you believe how they," "You won't believe what I saw ." Yes, we believe you're wearing rose-colored glasses in the shape of your homeland, and anything that doesn't fit within that framework hurts your eyes.

Of course they do things differently here. That's half the fun! All the stuff that irritates you so, that's the cross-cultural experience you were telling people back home about! The faster you shed your home-grown assumptions about the way things should work, the faster you become that the cosmopolitan, and the harder it is to ever go home again.

Guideline 4: You can run, but you can't hide - from yourself.

Then again, if you think Beijing is so different you'll leave your old self behind, think again. Did you have a Starbucks-for-breakfast, McDonald's-for-lunch habit back home? Yeah, at least you'll be eating Chinese for dinner. Were you a bit of a barfly in the old country? Oh boy. With booze and cigarettes as cheap as they are here, you'll be sliding down walls while you chainsmoke. True, there are a million ways to find a New You in Beijing, but you have to really want it. Refer to Guideline 2.

Guideline 5: "Asians", think twice.

If you have Chinese blood but grew up in the West, the feeling of not quite belonging is a familiar one. Don't expect it to be any different here, no matter how sincere you are about getting back to your roots.

You'll still be a foreigner to native Chinese, except they don't want you for an English teacher, or to be photographed with you in the park.

Non-Chinese here will see you as their personal Beijing life coach, including on demand translation services. It's a tough and thankless job. Sorry, somebody had to tell you.