A wedding is a ceremony of two persons to be united in marriage and where the couple exchanges vows to be together and commit each other to this relationship and a new beginning. There are traditions of wedding garments, exchange of rings, reception with friends and family. Some weddings require a great deal of planning while others are very simple. Some can be very complicated if traditions of different cultures are to be observed when the bride and groom have different backgrounds.

Traditional White Wedding

The Western white wedding dress originated from the wedding of Queen Victoria in 1858 when she wore a white lace dress as her wedding garment. As economies developed and public wealth increased, the one-time use of an extravagant white wedding dress was adopted whereas in the past, a regular dress was used for the ceremony. Nowadays most brides will rent a wedding dress and this is a thriving business as is rental of tuxedos for the grooms. Outside of renting or buying, there is also the option of borrowing and receiving. Those cash constricted brides may borrow the dress of a friend. Another option is to receive a family heirloom, such as a wedding dress previously worn by a mother or grandmother. This is considered by some brides as a real honor, not to mention it is easy on the budget.

For men, a finance friendly option is to wear an all black suit. A traditional western men‘s suit can often come pretty close to passing off as a tux, but has the distinct difference of being able to be worn at a later date, such as for work, business, or some other formal event. This makes buying a suit easier to mentally accept versus a tuxedo. It should be noted that a common misconception is that all western men wear suits frequently. In actuality, it isn’t uncommon for some men to not even own a single suit! Thus the wedding day forces their hand as they need formal attire for the event. They simply have no choice but to buy one. Still, they might think it is a waste of money if they can only wear the garment once. Outside of weddings, the other events that may force a man to buy a suit are funerals and interviews!

The traditional white wedding is usually held in a church and the priest or minister performs the service. The bride and groom may not necessarily be of that faith but some churches will accommodate the service for a fee. In China, this is also possible but few Chinese couples will have a church wedding but many Chinese brides will choose to wear a white wedding dress as one of their attire during their wedding day. For example, in Tianjin at the Xikai church at the end of Binjiang Dao in Heping district is a popular location for locals looking to have a “church wedding”. A Hong Kong resident who professed to be Catholic married a local Tianjin girl. They choose to have their wedding in the Xikai church. Family and friends attended the service conducted by the priest. However, it should be noted, this type of church wedding while very popular in the west, is still a relatively new trend in China. The majority of Chinese will no doubt likely choose a more neutral location for the ceremony.

In the west, the church wedding is like the suit worn. It may be something considered more of a tradition than a lifestyle. Just as many men may rarely wear a suit outside of their wedding day, so too many may rarely set foot in a church outside of a wedding, or a funeral! It is ironic how the suit and church are linked to such polar opposite events. One day is perhaps considered the happiest day of a new couple’s life. While the other, to put it mildly is slightly more solemn.

Nonetheless, the idea of a white wedding is such a cultural point in the west that even a very famous 1980’s pop song was written called “White Wedding” by Billy Idol. An audio version of the song on YouTube had over 9,600,000 hits at the time of writing! Countless movies also tell a tale which ends happily by having two love birds getting married. Yes you guessed it, in a scene which includes a white wedding. The color white actually is a big piece of the puzzle. White in the west is identified with chastity, cleanliness, holiness, justice, and righteousness. With white being thought to represent one being sacred, pure and undefiled, it fits well with what many traditionally view the bride as needing to be on her wedding day.

Comparison of Customs

In the past, pre-arrangements for marriages were common and usually at a very young age. Marriages were also arranged through a middle person referred to as a “Mei Ren” （媒人）. This match maker usually earned a fee in the form of a “Red Package” a.k.a the infamous “Hong Bao” （红包）if the introduction successfully resulted in a marriage. These Mei Ren are still common in the rural areas. The west isn’t without its version of this either. Match making is a big hit there too. It may include things like finding that special someone, arranging the initial introduction, or even ensuring the relationship gets off to a good start. This process has even been portrayed on the big screen. Wikipedia reports on the 2005 box office hit featuring Will Smith called “Hitch”. It was about an elite, covert match maker in New York. Hitch as Smith’s character was called in the movie, specialized in orchestrating the events which would allow a man to meet and woo the woman of his dreams.

Those eligible and web savvy may use Match.com or eHarmony, websites which help those who are single look for their significant other. Supporters for this type of service like being able to see photos of the person in advance, and read relevant personal information before contacting the other party. The downside though, as is true with many “online” things, is perception may not be reality. So before making any major commitments, the course of wisdom is to confirm the identity and personality of the person is “as advertised”. China has taken all this to the next level, by establishing an offline “Marriage Market”, where the parents will write a synopsis of their child and try to find a match with other parents. In cities like Shanghai there’s a weekend “Marriage Market” where there are countless rows of ads which parents have put up about their children including their age, height, salary etc.

Despite the high hopes and diligent effort of parents, these seldom work out, as what is attractive for the parents, is usually not what the prospective bride or groom want. One need remember the norm in Chinese culture is that children are expected to care for the parents, when they become elderly, something that is becoming a difficult situation with the past “one-child policy”. The responsibility of “four in-laws” is falling on just one couple instead of several siblings as in the past. This massive and somewhat inventible load changes the entire dynamic of Chinese marriages. It goes from the simple joy of two people being in love and wanting to get married, to legally accepting a long term financial and physical responsibility.

Due to the direct effect on their future care, fast tracking the wedding day is a huge priority for parents. Often no one is more concerned with seeing that wedding day arrive than the parents. This social stress is incredible. In Tianjin, parents will spend a huge amount of time not only trying to find a mate for their son or daughter, but also in improving the “desirability” of their child. For a son, this means parents have the goal of buying him a house, or else, it is said no one will want to marry him! Forget about the costs associated with the wedding day, with home pricing reaching levels of 30,000-40,000 RMB per square meter in downtown, this is no small thing!

A Chinese wedding is usually formalized by registering at the local Public Security Bureau, usually the one where the individual bride and groom is registered, their “Hu Kou” 户口. If they are registered in different locations then each must register at their respective locations and the bride is usually transferred to her husband’s “Hu Kou”. In China, the bride retains her surname after marriage and the children will usually take the husband’s surname. This is something women liberalists may have a real bone to pick about, questioning why the child should take the husband’s name. Again, this is a cultural point. In China men are still prized. Sexism is not at all dead. Especially in the countryside the adoration of baby boys versus girls is rampant. In fact, this is yet another one of the rather complex social situations in China. The long standing love for males, has led to a glut of bachelors.

It is important the wedding date be an appropriate date so it is chosen with great care. A Chinese Almanac called a “Tung Shing” 通胜 is consulted. This traditional book is also used in determining Feng Shui 风水practitioners, a philosophical system of harmonizing everyone with the surrounding environment. It is closely linked to Daoism. The term literally translates as "wind-water" in English. The practice was suppressed during the Cultural Revolution but has since increased in popularity. That is the reason why one usually sees more than one wedding event on the same day – they all used the same book.

This issue of date is another culture point. In the west, wedding dates are often picked based on weather, location and finances. To a far less extent is some “magical” or “lucky” date considered. Like how the Beijing Olympics was set for 8.8.08 that is August 8th, 2008 because of the Chinese infatuation with the number eight, so too dates that have “lucky” numbers, are big hits in China when it comes to planning a wedding. Whereas most couples abroad opt for a spring or summer wedding based on the hope of having that perfect warm sunny day.

A banquet or reception is usually held in a hotel or restaurant and guests will arrive signing in at a reception desk and assigned a table usually with mutual friends or other guests with a common background or similar business relationship. A tea ceremony is very traditional and usually part of modern weddings. The bride and groom and bow or kneel to their respective parents in turn offering each a cup of tea with both hands in a show of respect and thanks. The parents will receive this tea and return with a “Red Package – Hong Bao” with money and sometimes gold jewelry.

In the west tea is rarely if ever a part of any wedding reception. Except of course when cake, cookies, pastries, ice cream and other after dinner sweat treats are being served wherein guests would be offered a hot cup of coffee or tea. However this tea is hardly the same as the tea Chinese would be serving as part of a “tea ceremony”. Think simply of your average run of the mill packaged tea from the grocery store dropped in a cup of hot water. Of course higher end facilities may offer finer choices, but generally speaking the tea won’t be anything to write home about. Not so however with tea in China. Culturally speaking tea in China is like wine abroad. It has many varieties, flavors and vastly varying prices. Chinese people who come from a town that specializes in tea production are very proud of such. Like with wine overseas, the type of tea served to guests at a Chinese wedding will say something about the couple in terms of their social status and economic ability.

During the banquet, the wedding party will visit each table with drink in hand and thank everyone for attending and raise a glass of cheer. It is appropriate for guests to say “Gong Xi Gong Xi” 恭喜恭喜. The bride will usually start off the event in a white western style wedding dress but will change to a traditional Chinese dress or QiPao（旗袍）or CheongSam（长衫）. The literal meaning is “Long Dress”. It is a stylish and often tight-fitting cheongsam or qipao (chipao). The style best known today was created in the 1920’s in Shanghai and made fashionable by socialites and upper class women. Towards the end of the banquet, the bride will change into a more modern dress that will be more suitable to travel.

Since 1980s, with the trend of reevaluation of Chinese traditional culture, people in Mainland China started to pay attention to Cheongsam again. Cheongsam is also getting more and more popularity in films, beauty pageants, and fashion shows in both China and other countries all over the world. In 1984, the People’s Republic of China specified Cheongsam as the formal attire of female diplomatic agents.

Brides abroad often spend a hefty sum on their gown. While they look beautiful many times they are ridiculously impractical. In fact just getting from the ceremony to the reception can be troublesome! For example, one American bride wore a wedding dress that was so full and puffy she could literally not fit into a normal size sedan. Of course the lady herself was not physically large. Rather it was all because of the massive dress!

Despite all the inconvenience, most brides will suffer hours on end to look beautiful all day and all night. Since pictures on the actual day of the wedding are one of the most important aspects of the event in the West, the bride would hardly risk getting a photo shot without looking her best and of course wearing her gorgeous once in a life time gown! For this reason, for the bride to finally “get out of that dress” is usually a dream come true! Yet another ridiculous tradition that comes at the price of comfort. In recent times especially in the hip Hollywood scene changing into anther outfit after the ceremony is a trend. However it is probably more related to showing off high end clothing than changing for the sake of comfort.

Wedding Gifts

In the West, wedding gifts are still the norm. Usually the new couple will end up with several irons, duplicate appliances, chinaware or other household goods. Recently, department stores have ingenious ways of tapping into this billion-dollar market. They offer wedding gift registries, where the couple can identify what they want or need from a store. This way, guests can see what is wanted, pay for it and the couple can just pick it up at their convenience or it will be delivered to a reception where gifts are displayed with a note indicating who is making the gift. If an item is very expensive, more than one guest will share the cost.

Department stores are also willing to provide a receipt that can be included with the gift that does not show the price of the item but allows the couple to exchange the item. There is still a feeling of modesty in the West that giving cash or declaring the price of the gift is offensive.

Quite the opposite at a Chinese wedding, if gifts are given, the price tag will probably be affixed. But returning it for an exchange or refund would be difficult or impossible. The top wedding gift given by guests is usually cold hard cash in a red envelope in the afore-mentioned “Hong Bao”. The 100 RMB note is red. Which is perfect since red is the appropriate color for a wedding signifying celebration. Be aware that the amount should be an even amount rather than odd. Plus never give 400 as the number four sounds like the Chinese word for death.

Wedding Fun

In the West, his friends usually give a stag party for the bachelor groom a few days before the wedding. A chance for him to have his final guilt free fun before tying the knot to marriage. For the bride a similar all girl party by her friends but usually less rumbustious and a more civil celebration.

If you have been to a Chinese wedding of young couples, their young friends are into forcing the couple to naughty games during the banquet. One recent example was an apple on a string dangling from the groom’s waist and for every successful bite from the blindfolded bride; the couple earned 100 RMB.

A western tradition is for the groom to remove a garter from the bride’s leg and throw it to the groom’s bachelor friends and the one that caught the garter will likely be the next to marry. Similarly, the bride will toss her flower bouquet to her single friends and the recipient will meet the fate of marriage in the near future.

The clicking of glasses will signal to the bride and groom to stand and kiss each other passionately for the crowd. The less passionate, the kiss will generate an onslaught of loader clinking until the crowd is satisfied. This western tradition certainly has not caught on in China as the Chinese are much more conservative to showing public affection than in the West.

Times are Changing

Recently, Destination Weddings have become very popular. The advantage is it is usually a smaller event so even if there is travel involved the final costs are less. It also gives a more festive mood and almost like having a honeymoon at the same time. My Canadian friends, Monica and Jayson had their wedding in Hawaii and it was so relaxing and special that their brother and sister followed suit and did the same when there were married. I asked what about the many friends that could not attend and she had a simple solution by having a lunch reception afterwards in their home cities.

The other new twist to wedding arrangements is hiring a Wedding Planner, someone who is experienced with all the details and logistics of the big day. The planner will ensure that the venue is properly decorated, seating arrangements, photographer, timing and the agenda will all be taken care, and you just need to follow instructions. In China, this person is amazing and acts as the MC, making sure that everything flows smoothly and everyone is entertained. In some instances, they even play a musical instrument and an excellent singer to keep everyone entertained.

In China, the wedding album takes on a new meaning, for as little as 3,000rmb (about $500 USD) you can have a professional studio provide a full package which includes a large family wedding photo album of 20 large poises in varied backgrounds and various garments such as the traditional white western wedding dress, a tradition Chinese costume for the bride and groom and even a on site park session. In addition to the large album, a duplicate smaller version is provided to the mother in law, the famous oversized portrait that will hang in the couple’s bedroom and several desk portraits.

Conclusion

Weddings aren’t for wimps these days. Far from a quaint gathering of family and friends to witness two becoming one, the weddings of today are like everything else, commercialized and supersized! While cultures differ by location, the big business associated with weddings doesn’t. Worldwide, weddings result in tons of money exchanging hands. A wedding can easily cost as much as a new car! This reality has definitely in yet another way increased the financial pressure newlyweds and their families face. Eloping has become about the only real means to avoid all the debt and drama associated with a big wedding. While some may see this as a viable option, in China where one-child families abound, many parents entire life revolves around their “little emperor” or “little princess”. The idea of their child getting married without a massive event for all to share in, for the most part doesn’t compute.

Expats attending local weddings should definitely come prepared with money, an appetite and a designated driver. Eating and drinking is a huge part of Chinese culture, with weddings being no exception. Be ready for more toasting than ever imaginable. As with most things in China, weddings tend to be big and loud. Think of weddings here like going to a concert instead of going to church. Music, lasers, bands, and any other number of entertainment options may be on the bill. Of course, all this excitement doesn’t come without its price tag, both to the hosts and the guests. Therefore while it used to be as simple as “everyone loves a wedding”, these days, it certainly comes with a big caveat. Namely, how much money is in the bank?