Failing to be free

For Susan and many other kids here, I am a safe outlet. Plenty have confided their worst troubles to me, knowing I could not (and would not) do anything other than be there for them. Initially, Susan resisted me. I approached her because she drew attention to herself with at-risk behavior. Over time we bonded and I've had the pleasure of watching her evolve into a strong young woman who knows her own mind.

She is still angry, though. I noticed that today. “Your anger is good for you right now, dear. You need it to drive you into the life you want”. Although she doesn't come across as angry, I know it's there because there is brittleness about her. She said she is still angry at her family and the reasons keep piling up. That she could say so with a smile shows how well she's come along since her “crazy days”.

After being forced back to Suizhou, her mother set her to studying for a civil service exam a few months hence. Mom had pulled a few strings – not illegal under the new graft laws, to sign her up. Susan spent days at a time in her room, only coming out for meals. Sometimes she would go out for walks, which turned into runs, to blow off steam. In all, Susan remained in limbo for nine months after graduation: no job, no social life, and no prospects other than that test.

She failed the exam on purpose. Now, with no hope of securing a government position and no job suitable for someone with an associates' degree from a third-rank university, mom finally gave up. Susan has been released to live her life as she sees fit. She hangs her hat in a trendy neighborhood just off from a popular hangout, works as a cashier in a grocery store and loves every bit of it. The one time Mom came to Wuhan to see her, she refused to go to Susan's apartment or visit the store where her daughter works for fear of humiliation: how can such a well-placed government worker have such a failure for a daughter?

How would anyone in Wuhan know that mom is a well-placed government official?

As a parting shot, mom said: “If you need money, I can lend you some. Just be sure to pay me back by the end of the month.” I believe Susan would rather starve than ask her mother or anyone else in her family for anything.

Susan is a part of a growing group in China who are walking away from tradition: doing what the family wants/demands. While most young adults I know are still very traditional, more and more we're seeing take-off from their supposed mapped out existence. These days, people do not want to knuckle under tradition when they have a flair for life. They don't want to find or be matched to a suitable mate, marry, have a child and settle into the life they are expected to lead.

Susan failed the exam in order to make her family leave her alone. Intrinsic to Chinese society is the 'in or out' mentality. While most would not be as rigid as Susan's family, it is quite common for a non-complying young adult to be rejected by the entire family, at least for a time. By failing spectacularly, Susan has guaranteed that no one from her clan will pursue her or make demands on her. Conversely, she will not be welcome at family gatherings, at least for a while. I don't think that bothers her in the least. She might come to miss her family eventually, but I'm so proud of her right now.

New friend Lawrence has already sent me several text messages with romantic overtones. I'm not sure he's aware I have children who are possibly older than he is. I thought it was wonderful that another foreigner reached out, but when he said something about kissing me.

I'm not going to go there. I'll just stick with the joy at Susan's life explorations.  

The original blog is： http://blog.chinadaily.com.cn/blog-1372409-24757.html

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