Underwater city? Don't hold your breath

By Patrick Whitely ( China Daily ) Updated: 2007-07-10 08:50:54

Underwater city? Don't hold your breath China's four great inventions (si da fa ming) are the compass, gunpowder, moveable type printing press and paper. But I believe the committee who voted on this list got it all wrong.

Why didn't anybody consider goldfish? In terms of all things good, gold fish blow gunpowder out of the water. Imagine if the world's military forces were armed with gold fish. End of argument!

Carassius auratus (gold fish) are marvelous, and I'm now enjoying watching fish in my new tank. These little guys were developed during the Tang Dynasty (AD 618-907) as the result of a freakish act of nature.

A silver carp, which had been decorating some rich guy's pond, hatched a golden-orange colored nipper. The scientifically minded groundkeeper separated it from the rest of the school and started a breeding program. He's the guy that really found Nemo.

The Chinese are still hooked on pets, and I've jumped on the bandwagon. Demanding dogs and fussy cats are not for me. I'm a Piscean and fish are my forte.

I look at them, drift off into their watery world, forget about my recent Chinese misunderstanding (No 342 at present) and really relax. Gold fish gazing is a therapeutic way to unwind.

In return, I only have to feed the little blighters every second day, make sure the air pump is working and turn off the tank light at night.

Owning a big fish tank has been one of my many life goals.

Before I die, I also want to speak understandable Chinese, make a musical comedy featuring a banjo-playing samurai and learn how to a pull a rabbit out of a hat (Where does the rabbit come from? I really need to know).

But my biggest desire has always been to build an underwater city.

China is a can-do place, and now I have achieved my goal. I wanted a real one at first and consulted my engineering friend Da Chui (Big Hammer), who designs off shore oilrigs. Taking into account the special rustproof materials, labor costs, whiz-bang technology and finding available land under the ocean, they all reckoned I'd get change from $40 billion. I asked them what I could get for $400.

The advice was sound, and now I have an underwater city, filled with fish, taking pride and place in my Beijing apartment. But as Jules Verne discovered, an underwater city can have its social problems.

One of my gold fish (aka Da Chui) is not behaving and is picking on the other fish. He is not following my underwater city's policy of a harmonious society. He's also gone on a crazy building spree and is digging a big crevice under this stone statue I erected, which clearly says: "No unauthorized construction without a permit."

All the other fish - the silver dragons, the orange guppies and a really cool blue one - tow the line, but Da Chui doesn't care about my rules. He sucks up a mouthful of pebbles, swims away, then spews them out and has created a neat little nook. It's obvious he's building a karaoke bar. Watching all this activity is stressing me out again.

Maybe gunpowder was the more peaceful choice.

(China Daily 07/10/2007 page20)