Some people dismiss self-help guides as nothing more than bunches of common tips. But Gong Yan is from the group that disagrees, saying her new book sold 200,000 copies in the past two weeks. Yang Yang reports.

In China, Nov 11 is a shopping carnival for many people, but for singles, it is a day when they "celebrate" their freedom (the date is 11.11, all lonely ones) but expect to change their status.

Last month, 21-year-old Kelly Shen in Jinhua, Zhejiang province, received a gift from a close friend, a book about how to talk to attract someone or improve a romantic relationship.

"She worries about my relationship problem," says Shen of her friend.

Shen is now in junior college studying theater, TV and film. She says that all the boys she likes have become her "bro".

A young man she loved secretly for several years got married recently.

"Actually I did bare my heart to him, but ..." she says.

Two years ago, her relationship with another boy ended because his ex-girlfriend returned.

"All these things happened. I don't know what the matter is. I read stuff online about relationships, but that doesn't tell you what to do in concrete terms," she says.

She has almost finished reading the book Talk in Love.

Since its publication around 20 days ago, Talk in Love, the latest book by Gong Yan, has sold around 200,000 copies.

"It's helpful, and I am practicing some of the skills secretly, like how to speak gently or wear more feminine clothes," Shen says.

The skills may be helpful, but some people question the effectiveness of these guides: The best romantic relationship is the one where you can be yourself without disguise, isn't it?

But both readers and writers dismiss the doubts.

"No, I am not telling girls not to be themselves, but to be better versions of themselves," Gong says in a gentle voice.

The model woman for Gong is Hollywood actress Lucy Liu because "she makes money to earn independence and dignity, and has had a test-tube baby by surrogacy, living a life according to her own ideas".

On Weibo, Gong, who has 3.2 million followers, receives an average of more than 100 letters a day from fans seeking help, and 90 percent of them are women.

"Boys usually come to me because they do not know why their girlfriends are angry," she says.

Gong says she is from a generation of the one-child policy, growing up without sisters or brothers, so most of her peers may not care about others' feelings and don't know how to talk properly to people.

"At school, teachers tell us to speak our minds. But it's not always proper. Sometimes, speaking out will hurt other's feelings, not only in romantic relationships but also in others."

"We want to be happy in love, so why not learn to express our thoughts and feelings properly?" says Gong, who is in her mid-30s.

Shen says she follows the book but she must be comfortable with the changes.

Bill Li, 21, who is studying electronics and information engineering in Dalian, Liaoning province, says that when he broke up with his girlfriend in 2014, he wanted to know what went wrong.

"I read four books on the topic. In the end, I learned how to communicate not only with girls but also with clients," he says.

Li spends his summer and winter holidays working at a company in Beijing as an intern.

"It (love) is like selling products," Li says. "The books say boys should display high value to attract girls. Meanwhile, we also need conquer our weaknesses. For instance, I love books and movies, but I am not good at singing or dressing up. So in front of girls, I show off my knowledge of books and movies. Meanwhile, I try to improve my image - clothes and hairstyle - and practice my singing."

Li says he has made progress in six months and that girls are now attracted to him.

"The books are helpful in three respects. First, they teach you to put yourself in other people's shoes and understand what they need. Second, they tell you to improve yourself for the girls you like, or for the jobs you desire. Third, they encourage you to try different things and styles to improve yourself and make a lot of friends," says Li.

A popular microblogger, Yang Bingyang, has also published several books like Secrets of Perfect Relationship.

Her books look at love through the prism of evolution, trying to trace the reasons for the behavior of men and women in love and marriage from the nature of humans as animals.

For many people, the stereotypical roles men and women play in love expose the gender inequality in society.

Susan Guo, who works in the IT sector in Beijing, and who has read both Gong's and Yang's books, says the latter's theory suits Chinese society more since women are supposed to get married when they reach a certain age and to compromise in marriage and love.

Zhang Yiyun, a popular psychologist in China, divides books on romantic relationships into two kinds: one based on psychological research and one based on personal experience. The former carries an overall introduction and analysis of the possibilities in love, and the latter often follows a certain established logic and stand.

"By reading the first kind of books, young people can gain objective understanding of love: What kind of love will last and what men and women want in love.

People who read the latter type of books usually try to confirm their established logic. You have nothing new to learn and you will repeat the problems, she says.

"So my advice for young people is that you should read professional books first and have an overall understanding about love, and then you can read those based on personal experiences. You should first have your own understanding of love," she says.

Zhang says people pursue different things in love. Some pursue a result, that is, marriage, so they often transform themselves for the market. Some people regard love as an achievement in life and they want to wait for the one.

"There is no right or wrong. Well-educated people usually adopt the latter way, and people who are not very independent are inclined to adopt the former," she says.

Zhang echoes Gong's view that because of the one-child policy, many of those born in the 1980s and '90s had no companion to grow up with and were spoiled by parents. As a result, they have very little experience of loving other people.

"Books about romantic relationships will always sell well because love is always the most influential part of our lives. Love is about learning. Every human needs to work hard to learn to love for a better life," she says.

Contact the writer at yangyang@chinadaily.com.cn

(China Daily 11/11/2015 page18)