'How are you?' Here's what you should say

"How are you?"

"Fine, thanks."

It's a social interaction so ingrained that most of us answer automatically. Regardless of whether they've just had a piece of bad news, or are on top of the world, people rarely stray from a handful of acceptable responses: "good thanks"; "fine"; and "not bad".

Unless, of course, they are Zoe Kravitz. The 28-year-old actress recently told Elle magazine that she's increasingly trying to answer that question truthfully.

"When I go to the deli or I'm talking to a waiter or my Uber driver and they say, 'How are you? 'I've answered in an honest way for the first time. Like, 'Oof.'

"Let's let everything come to the surface, even with people we come in contact with for a moment."

Kravitz explained that her new philosophy has been borne out of Donald Trump's election, which has made her want to "connect with everybody".

Hers is a philosophy more of us are adopting. I've grown so bored of small talk with acquaintances that I also try to liven up my answers to "how are you".

It gets a mixed response. New friends, or workmates often don't expect brutal honesty and slightly downbeat - if truthful - statements like 'surviving' or 'average' can take a moment to sink in. But most people relate to it and join in, with their own unvarnished truth. It can be a bonding moment, a show of vulnerability.

At worst, they laugh awkwardly and we move on to more socially acceptable ground.

"You might not want to be glib with friends," says life coach Dr Sally Ann Law. But, she adds: "Honesty can give them a chance to help you, or they might be able (to) share things with you." It is a way to create connections and a powerful path to form friendships, especially among women.

But what about in the workplace? Is there ever a place for a more honest answer to "how are you"?

"You have to be selective about when you do it," says career coach Corinne Mills. "If you're at a meeting and trying to establish a rapport, it's very good to be human and bring in your personality. We're not machines; people have ups and downs. There's something very disarming and real about someone actually saying 'I'm not sleeping well' or 'the kids are driving me mad' when asked how they are."

She advises, however, to keep the response lighthearted and trivial, rather than delving into tragedies. "Saying you had a terrible journey is fine - saying you're going through a divorce, or have awful health is not.

"You don't necessarily want to bring your emotional baggage to the workplace. If you say 'uffff' when someone asks you how you are, you're transferring your negative energy to them. It can make things emotionally heavy."

It may also not be professional. There is a difference between telling a colleague you're still hungover from the weekend, and giving the same level of honesty to your boss who is politely asking 'how are you' and doesn't really want an in-depth response.

"Unfortunately in workplaces, there are politics," admits Law. "So you have to be aware of those. But where possible, it's best to do something towards creating a culture where you can be honest."

"How are you?" What to say ... and what not to.

"I am fine, thank you."

Overly formal with friends and a touch insincere. Use only when your boss asks - they're probably looking for a throwaway positive answer that won't cause them any problems.

"Good, thanks."

Now you're the one being throwaway. A surefire way to pull up the emotional drawbridge and cut the conversation short.

"Very well, how are you?"

Non-committal, but polite and positive.

"Coping."

This could seem glib to those who don't know you well; acquaintances or colleagues. Use only with true pals.

"Hanging in there."

A downbeat response that invites further inquiry why, what's wrong? Don't use if you're not interested in elaborating.

"Oof."

Seemingly one of Kravitz's choice answers. The asker may think you have indigestion.

Daily Telegraph

问候语“你好吗？”，你应该这样回答才对

“你好吗？”“我很好，谢谢。”

人们社交问候的表达方式早已根深蒂固，大多数人随口即答。无论当下好坏与否，人们的应答无外乎这几种：“还好，谢谢”，“我很好”，“还不算糟糕”。

当然，除非你是佐伊·克拉维茨。这位28岁的女演员最近接受《Elle》杂志的采访时表示，自己一直在尝试如实地回答这句问候语。

“当我去熟食店、或者与餐馆服务生或优步司机对话时，他们问我最近怎么样时，我第一次开始诚实地回答说：‘哦，不太好。’”

“让我们把实情都说在明面上，即使是对短暂相遇的陌生人。”

克拉维茨解释说，她这种新的处事哲学源于唐纳德·特朗普竞选美国总统，这让她有了“与每个人联系在一起”的感悟。

我们中越来越多的人现在也开始遵从她这种处事哲学：我已很厌烦和熟人间的寒暄，我也要把回应“你好吗”的话语变得生动起来。

这样尝试会引起听者不同的反应。新朋友或同事通常不会预料到你会给出严酷而诚实的回答，而有些悲观但却真实的诸如“还活着”或“一般吧”的表述则可能使人一时难以反应。但大多数人会产生共鸣，也会坦率加入分享各自的处境。这样就可能出现彼此亲和的时刻 - - 相互袒露各自脆弱的一面。

也许结果相反，两人可能仅是尴尬地相视一笑，然后又回到更为社交礼节所接受的交谈方式上。

人生导师萨莉·安·劳博士表示，“我们对朋友不会油腔滑调，”但她又说到，“诚实地表达可以给朋友们一个机会来帮助你，他们或有可能与你分享彼此的经历。”这是一种建立联系和结成友谊的强有力的途径，特别是在女性之间。

但是如果是在工作场所呢？是否真有某个特定的场合需要用更诚实的方式来回答“你好吗”？

“你必须找准时机，”职业导师科琳·米尔斯表示，“如果你在聚会上正试图建立友好融洽的关系，那么人性化并带有自己性格特点的回答就非常不错。我们不是机器，每个人生活都免不了有起起落落。当被问候时，如果真回答‘我没睡好’或‘孩子快把我逼疯了’，听起来会更真实，让人放下戒心。”

然而，米尔斯也建议回答要轻松，只提生活琐事，别探究人生悲剧。“可以提及自己一次糟糕的旅行，但说到自己正在办离婚或健康状况欠佳就不适宜。”

“你不必要把自己的情感包袱带到工作中。当有人问你最近状况如何，如果你说‘很糟糕’，那么你就把自己的负面能量传递给了对方，这会让他们也感到心情低落。”

这样回答也不明智。应该区别对待不同情况：告诉同事你还在周末畅饮后的宿醉中，没问题；但如果老板只是客气地问一句“你怎么样”，而不是真在意你的回答是否深入，你还这么坦诚相告就不妥了。

“很不幸，工作场所存在着办公室政治，”劳博士承认，“所以你必须注意这种情况。但如果有可能，最好采取点行动来营造一个能够坦诚交流的文化氛围。”

“你好吗？”如何应答？该说什么……又不该说什么。

“我很好，谢谢。”对朋友来说，这种回答过于正式，感觉不够真诚，只适于老板询问时 - - 他们希望听到脱口而出的积极回答，这样不会给他们带来任何麻烦。

“还好，谢谢。”这样回答表示你是漫不经心的。这是一种不带感情色彩的、能随即结束对话的表达方式，十分奏效。

“我很好，你呢？” 这种表述未置可否，但礼貌且积极。

(本部分的翻译有奖征集中)

上期获奖者：北京　青苗国际双语学校　郝九舟

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