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Why women miss their chance with Mr Right

By Dinah Chong Watkins (China Daily)
Updated: 2010-07-23 11:18

How many of the following criteria do you meet

* female

* college graduate

* financially independent

* single

If you have checked off all four, chances are you are upward of 30 years old and spending too many nights on the sofa watching Sex and the City reruns and eating ice cream - alone.

Fifteen years ago you never contemplated being in this situation. Being married at this stage was a foregone conclusion. But the throngs of men (and boys) you so cheerfully flirted with in your younger days has been replaced by ambitious male colleagues climbing the corporate ladder who have little time for dating and family men intent on punching out at exactly 5:30 pm. Long gone are the days when "shining knights" were easily found at the college library or by the office water cooler.

As the months run into years, the ways of finding "The One" begin looking dismal at worst and embarrassing at best. Should you post a come-hither profile of yourself online and trawl the depths of the unmarried masses? As each day passes, your computer evolves into your best friend or worst enemy depending on emails from potential matches. Or, with a shot of courage courtesy of a triple strength Appletini, do you pitch your best traits to total strangers in three-minute segments in a singles' version of Musical Chairs? And of course, that last bastion of the not-so-swinging single; submitting yourself to a blind date arranged by a well-meaning friend or family member.

So you resign yourself to another season of Carrie and Samantha's wildly improbable antics and a tub of rum and raisin ice cream, hoping that Mr Right will someday (and hopefully soon) come knocking. Secretly you feel a growing dread that chances are MrRight has already arrived and you showed him the door with a dismissive arch of your eyebrow. But fret not, as a life in sweatpants and a roomful of cats is not inevitable. Here are three steps toward finding yourself in a successful committed relationship.

In today's new age, organically green, politically correct environment, we embrace differences. Variety is the spice of life. I am open to new ideas and new directions. But when it comes to Mr Right (and Mrs Right for that matter) many young people these days seem to have an extremely specific list of requirements. And not only does the list grow longer every year but the wiggle room gets tighter. Women cry, "I will not lower my standards." Sure, standards shouldn't be lowered but maybe the Achilles Heel of your inability to find a good partner lies in the overwhelming number of criteria.

Take a few minutes and write down 30 personality traits required for Mr Right ranging from "loyal... I must have someone I can count on to always support me" to "considerate... I must have a partner that will consider my feelings in addition to his own", and even "spiritual I must have someone who shares the same beliefs as mine" then filter that list down to only 10 "core values". Not every Zhang, Zhou and Wang will simultaneously be wealthy, have great looks, be honest and dote on you all the time. So make your list, disregard the second and third tier wishes and focus on your core values. You'll suddenly find a surprisingly greater number of Mr Right candidates.

You've said it time and time again. "He's great as a friend, but he's not my soul mate." What separates the two? Chemistry. That stomach-dropping, serotonin-loading, wide-eyed-ear-to-ear grin feeling. But beware as chemistry is the No 1 overrated factor in deciding the future of a relationship. Why? Because like real chemicals, the effects of romantic chemistry wear off. If chemistry was such a reliable indicator of a long term match, you would be married to your third grade school crush (or stalking a former teen idol).

Imagine being in an interview for the most important job in your life. You know you're the right fit but you're a little nervous. You laugh a little too hard or at the wrong time. You stumble over your answers, your interview is interrupted by weird ring tones and when you return home, to your dismay you see a large bit of green food stuck between your teeth. Wouldn't you want a "do-over"? So give a potential Mr Right a fighting chance by going out with him for at least three dates before you make any decision. Maybe by the third date, the way he answers his cell phone won't seem like such a big deal and it was cool to find out you both were geeky enough to join the high school badminton club.

Yes, Mr Right is out there. He may come at an unexpected time, or in an unexpected shape or form. Keep your mind open and your heart fixed only on what truly matters to you. But keep the sweatpants, because married women wear them too.