Voices

A change of heart over 'I love you'

By Jay Lee (China Daily)
Updated: 2010-06-22 08:13

Have you ever waited to hear the words that make you melt? Undeniably, "I love you" is a special phrase that everyone around the world loves to hear.

Of course, your delight upon hearing the phrase depends on who is saying it.

When I landed in China I began to explore a new world. I felt like a child at a carnival. I kept an open mind because I wanted to become part of a new society and understand a new way of life.

Many foreigners, especially those living outside Beijing and other big cities, find it difficult to adapt to the Chinese lifestyle.

One of the differences between East and West is the use of the words "I love you" among family members.

I have learned that most Chinese are not comfortable saying this to their parents. My reaction to their reluctance was shock. How could you not tell your parents that "I love you"?

Despite my surprise, I soon became educated in the Chinese way and learned something that has changed the way I think.

It will take some time to let go my American way of thinking, though.

A Chinese friend explained to me one day that if you love someone you shouldn't have to say it. You only need to express it.

It didn't sink in at the time because I thought that saying and hearing it was better. The more I reflected, I had flashbacks to my friend's comments every time I talked to my family.

One day I had an epiphany.

In the US, there is a tendency to use the words often but not taking time to express it.

I realized expressing love trumps saying "I love you" any day.

Slowly these words became taboo to me in China as I began to understand Chinese culture more.

I have since had many awkward moments when family members call and say "I love you."

I can't help being compelled to live according to my newfound principle that love is better expressed than talked about.

Foreigners who really take the time to get into Chinese culture can acquire a world of new knowledge.

A few of my Chinese friends say "I love you" to their mothers but not their fathers. I asked them why.

Most of them said that their fathers are not really there, meaning that he is normally the silent one in the family who does the work and acts like the silent business partner.

When I asked my friends about the topic their stock response is that love is not said but only expressed to family members outside the romantic partner.

Many Chinese believe it is something that you say only to a boyfriend or girlfriend and saying this is connected only to such relationships.

One friend said she once said it to her mother, who burst out in laughter. Her mother did not say it back, but my friend's feelings weren't hurt. She knew that her mom loved her.

This is a lesson in love the West can learn from China. Every person who chooses to say "I love you" often should take the time to think about whether or not you say it more then you mean it. 06/22/2010)