Voices
There is no smoke without fire
By Huang Yuli (China Daily)
Updated: 2010-03-12 10:31
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Our flat mate is finally in love. On Tuesday he invited us all to meet his girlfriend. At the beginning of the dinner, my boyfriend passed our flat mate a cigarette. He refused it and his girlfriend explained he didn't smoke.
Which was a surprise, as I know he smokes quite a lot. Since I do not allow my boyfriend to smoke in our room, he always goes to that guy's room and they smoke together. I pointed this out of course.
My flat mate seemed quite embarrassed and he explained to his girlfriend that he only smoked a few.
Not exactly true from what I saw!
Then my boyfriend finished his cigarette and fired up a new one. He exchanged a brief look with me.
It suddenly occurred to me that he too used to tell me he didn't smoke. It was around three years ago, when we first met. Later I discovered him smoking in the toilet. When I caught him he said he only smoked rarely, maybe once or twice a month. And I believed him.
I used to be very strict about men smoking, because I cannot stand the smell. Now I normally don't say anything when he smokes, as long as it's not in the bedroom. His smoking is a kind of social statement, I know that, it gives him a sense of pride.
I kept thinking about it after the dinner and wondered: Do all men lie to win a girl? Men might jump up and accuse me of making something out of nothing. But when a man hides his smoking, usually his only purpose is to get the girl. And when he says he'll quit, he's doing it to please the girl. But don't think I'm being mean, I still don't think highly of such acts.
What if you find you cannot rid yourself of the habit and your girl hates it? I always say that honesty is the most important thing throughout a relationship.
It's said if you love someone, you should love all of them. But when "all of him" is much more than what you thought you knew about him, or what he presents to you, will you begin to waver? You might say smoking is no big deal. But it's always easier said than done.
In my experience many Chinese men don't like women who smoke. Suppose you think you know your girlfriend well only to find one day that the woman you thought was a non-smoker is in fact a smoker. I happen to know a couple that constantly fight over this.
How would you react? Would you be as calm as you say? Isn't it kind of horrible to find out that your nearest and dearest is keeping secrets from you? Smoking is indeed only a lifestyle issue, but for relationships it might just be the tip of the iceberg.
My suggestion would be: tell your lover the truth, and tell her you will try your best to quit for her. I bet she'll be deeply moved and love you even more.
The day after the introduction to my flat mate's girlfriend another friend had a birthday and we all attended his celebrations. He works in sales, which requires wine and cigarettes. During dinner I tried to persuade him to smoke less.
His wife, told us: "He told me he didn't smoke. And when I found out, he said he smoked very rarely." This time we spontaneously burst into laughter.
