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Matchmaking moms need to let go
By Wang Chao (China Daily)
Updated: 2010-03-05 17:13
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Spring Festival is the time for family reunions in China since long ago. But nowadays, many young people choose to stay in Beijing instead of going home for the festival. The reason may sound weird: to escape their mothers' "date and marriage" push.
One of my friends, a Chinese woman in her mid-twenties, is studying in the US. Despite the expensive long-distance fares, her mom kept calling her from China, forcing her to find a man and get married.
The daughter was annoyed but still begged an American classmate to take a picture with her, pretending that he was her boyfriend. She told me she would take this picture home to reassure her anxious mom.
"You know why I chose an American guy? Because my mom doesn't speak English. I'm so afraid that my mom would call him if he is Chinese!"
I'm not exaggerating, but mothers are driving us crazy. We know that our moms love us, but in a way so overwhelming that we cannot breathe. I know my mother would lecture me almost 24/7, either over a meal, before bedtime, or at midnight to awaken me with "something important" she had to share immediately.
Some of their points about dating and marriage are convincing, but others are outdated and no longer applicable in this era. But never argue with your mom; you will never win.
Mothers are so persistent that they can talk every second when you are within their sight. It's like living with "big brother" watching over you all the time. The only difference is that this "big brother" is in the name of "mom's love", which makes it even harder to say "no" directly.
Once I complained to my American friend about this. He looked surprised and said "marriage is supposed to be between the two people!" Well, not in China; even not in a metropolitan city like Beijing. Moms still treat the marriage of their children as one of their biggest missions in life, and think it their duty to find the right match.
Among all the terms moms are looking from their potential sons/daughters-in-law, "love" is usually far down the list. To many, "love" is a childish and unrealistic concept; they care more about family background, salary and even the prospect's college major.
Sometimes I get confused: Should I believe her suggestions because my mother has more experience, or should I just listen to my heart?
I know moms are so worried that their child might marry the wrong person, but what is the definition of "wrong" in marriage anyway? I guess "right" or "wrong" all depends on the couple's feelings. A happy marriage should lie in two people's hearts rather than in material things. For a "thing" so subjective, such as love, how can mothers split two lovers apart or match two random ones together just because they seem like a good couple?
Maybe I'm too young and naive to think rationally instead of with passion. I still want to make my own choice.
Moms, we respect your advice and we will consider it very seriously; but please, give us some space and trust, after all, we are the one to live with the other half for a lifetime.
