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Freeing yourself from fear
By Luke Holden (China Daily)
Updated: 2010-02-23 10:27
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This Spring Festival was extremely important for me. It knocked my lifelong list of fears down to a measly one, after I finally confronted the last remaining challenge specific to China.
The list began its life at four.
When I came to China six years ago, I was shy and nervous and not particularly outgoing. While it had not been a struggle to leave the UK behind - rather easy actually - I was unprepared for the change in personality that had to occur if I was going to stay longer than a holiday.
My first job was working as a teacher and the first day was horrible. Without warning, my classes doubled and I was suddenly faced with 80 curious students in a spoken English class, but all I saw was doubt and frustration.
It was instantly worse than a class presentation I gave at university, an incident so haunting that the evening after was crowned as my most drunken experience ever. Public speaking was not something I idealized, let's put it that way.
Teaching was new to me and it took me a while to get a handle on it. I was assured it would get easier, but in truth it never did. Before every lesson I was like a confused teenager, minutes before a first date - hot hands, dry throat and as fluid as a stick insect.
But, I became an expert at looking calm under pressure. I couldn't lessen the feeling of anxiety, but I could mask it so it wasn't obvious. And that was the end of one of my greatest fears, bottom of the list.
Next was confrontation.
Those of you who have lived in the capital for more than six months will know that living here is very different from visiting. Over time, you either develop the confidence to stand up for your consumer, personal and professional rights, or you become bitter.
Subway pushing, Silk Street bargaining, hospital queuing, taxi attracting, being excluded from conversations in other languages, a constant victim of overpricing, target of persistent beggars, ignored by market surveyors, the list goes on and on. To be a part of China, I needed to confront all these situations and be heard.
During the last month, I had two encounters with cheats - one was a greedy rickshaw owner and the other a pair of overcharging removal guys. The first man was easily handled by walking away but the second couple infuriated me. They were scamming the situation excessively and it made me angry.
Back in the UK, I would think twice about shouting madly at two men, both twice my size, but not in China. I don't mean to say it is more acceptable here than elsewhere in the world, but rather that I have a need to stop being a victim of difference. They didn't get what they wanted but they did get what was fair, and that was fear number three.
The festival was especially important to me because it killed fear No 2, something I have dodged on more situations that I can count - KTV.
I recall once a class of 30 students collectively proclaiming they would not do any work until I sang one line of a song. I didn't, but I should have.
Then, a few days ago, I was faced with a situation of needing to prove my intentions to someone, to show I was absolutely determined and capable of being relied on. I weighed up my options, picked up the microphone, and sang Hey Jude.
It wasn't fear; it was apprehension. Only 10 seconds in, I was relaxed and enjoying it. The positive feeling grew and I wanted more, so I sang another, this time in a higher and more powerful key. I was great! Well maybe not, but I wasn't terrible - and I hadn't been drinking.
Nice story you might think, but what's my point? The other day I bought a cactus, took it home and watered it. It died. Faced with a comfortable life it gave up, but in dry soil it was steadfast. That same battle is with all of us right now.
My advice is not to view tricky situations in China as unpleasant, but instead see them as an opportunity to develop those personality traits that are normally pushed aside. Confront your fears and don't be shy - no one judges you here. Do it, or become bitter.
So it was that my fear-list stopped being a list and became a single entry. Feel free to guess what that last one might be, and if you get it right I will acknowledge it. Otherwise, you'll just have to wait until it happens and I pencil another point. Happy guessing.
