An expat husband and his Chinese wife are saluting to the wife's parents before the wedding.

Getting along with your in-laws is probably the most important factor in keeping a marriage in a positive position. According to a newly released study, men who are on good terms with their wives' parents are more likely to enjoy a long-lasting marriage. Yet, researchers found that a wife's relationship with her husband's parents is a bit more complicated and less indicative of overall marital happiness. Do you get along with your in-laws?

When a man bonds with his in-laws, his wife gets the message that your family is important to me because you're important to me. I want to feel closer to them because I want to be closer to you. Wives love that and marriages get a longevity bump. Probably the same holds true for the wife that is a foreigner and is married to a Chinese husband.

So what happens when the husband is a foreigner and the in-laws are Chinese? And what if the in-laws are rural Chinese? The already sensitive relationship now becomes much more complicated. In this article, I want to relate the situation of this foreigner from Canada married to a local Chinese woman from a village in rural Shandong province.

Rural China

According to the 2010 census, 51.3 percent of China's population lives in rural areas. This is down from 63.9 percent in the 2000 census and over 95 percent in the 1920s. There are around 800 million rural peasants and migrant workers--roughly 500 million farmers and 300 million to 400 million excess unskilled rural laborers. The rural population has declined from 82 percent in 1970 to 74 percent in 1990 to 64 percent in 2001 to 56 percent in 2007 and is expected to drop below 40 percent by 2030. Land essentially belongs to local government, a holdover from the commune era.

Average disposable annual income for Chinese urban residents the equivalent of about $4,000 while average rural net income is just under $1,300 per person, according to the Chinese National Bureau of Statistics. So you can see why there is a migration of the rural population to the cities. (See our feature article on the Migrant Worker).

A typical village farmer grows rice, corn, chilies and vegetables on a half-acre of land, and maybe keeps some chickens and pigs. Farmers produce enough to eat but not much to sell. Typical rural families live in simple houses, use outhouses or squat toilets and cook in shacks over open hearths. (My wisest investment was buying a handicap stand-alone portable toilet that comes out of storage, every time I visit.) Many villagers now have televisions and even washing machines, refrigerators and if youngsters are at home, will have computers, Wi-Fi and connect to the Internet. Landline phones are rare and unnecessary since everyone has at least one cell phone. Although Mandarin Chinese was introduced as the official language throughout China and is the common thread of communication, many of the rural villages still cling onto their local dialect. In my case, a local Shandong dialect that is very difficult for a foreigner to pick up. Although the in-laws can understand my Putonghua, since all television broadcasting is in the official language.

How to get along with your in-laws

Avoid the negative talk. Often our relationships with in-laws are affected by the opinions of other family members. In some families, complaining about the mothers or fathers-in-law is blood sport. Try showing respect for the in-laws, even when they are not present, by avoiding the temptation to join in the negative conversations. Building them up in private will help you maintain a good attitude. Look for the positives in their behavior, experiences and attitudes and share those with others, including family members. Focusing on the positive instead of the negative will help the quality of the relationship. Just remember they are rural people with rural habits. My in-laws did not get electricity till the ‘80s and converted their dirt floor to cement in the ‘90s. So overlook the fact that they just throw the sunflower seeds on the floor when eating.

When your in-laws do something nice for you, your wife or your children, show gratitude and let them know that you appreciate it. Never visit empty handed, always bring gifts and if possible, treat them to a dinner. If you eat in their home, do not be surprised that the mother may not join the meal until later when the meal is well underway. Stay civil, no matter what. Some in-laws can be really difficult, if the father is a smoker, don’t expect him to quit, even temporarily just for your behalf. This is their home. If they visit your home, this may be a difficult situation. Throwing a fit about his behavior or calling him on his insensitivity would have done nothing to improve the situation. Don't feel obligated to strain your home relationship to accommodate them so it needs to be addressed in advance and come to a compromise, perhaps he can smoke on your balcony.

Deal effectively with advice, but not intrusion. Partly because of their life experiences, parents-in-law often offer advice about marriage. When the advice is unwanted and unwelcome, you can just thank them for their input but indicate that your family has to do what works for your own situation. Don't let them divide you from your partner or become an obstacle in your relationship. Your family has to come first, but try to be civil and respectful when you need them to back off.

Overlook the little irritants. Relationships are clearly built on hundreds of little things, positive or negative. It is not usually one big thing that disrupts or damages a relationship. When there are little habits or things that they say that irritate you or create times when you might want to roll your eyes, try to let them go. After all, there are probably things you do that seem unusual or irritating to them too.

Conclusion

Cultural differences are always a challenge in maintaining good relationships and become a greater challenge when involving in-law relationships. In this case, doubly complicated if in-laws are from the rural community. The bottom line is as with ordinary in-laws, their prime concern is the welfare of their daughter. If the marriage is a happy one, then they will be happy.

You need to overlook their outdated habits; most of their neighbors have never been on a plane. They only had this experience last year when we all went on a winter excursion to Sanya. They still talk about that trip to their neighbors and show off their photo album of that visit. Although the father said he won’t do it again because the food was not very good and the same as what he was used to.

My in-laws lead a very simple life. Having gone through many hardships in the early years, something that I did not experience in my youth growing up in Western countries and need to fully understand that they are very grateful with their existing lifestyle, which by my standards is very difficult. I am also grateful to be accepted and able to experience this side of China, which still represents half of China’s population.