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Once a month, expats gather at Tianjin United Family Hospital to say what's on their mind.
Being in a country that's the complete opposite of home can be an exhilarating experience, but for some expats, the adjustment is a frustrating feat.
From the office to home, foreigners are thrown into the deep end of it all. Language and cultural barriers are just the beginning of a long list of stresses that come along with expatriation.
Ann Bell, UFH's nursing educator and counselor, has heard and experienced them all.
Bell, who fears flying, left North America for the first time with her husband and 14-year-old son from Pennsylvania, USA, to Tianjin in April 2012.
"I wanted to go home after the first day," said Bell, explaining how she was traumatized by the local medical tests required for her visa paperwork.
"For weeks, I'd say to my husband, ‘you did this to me,'" she recalled, with a laugh. Her husband, Tim, was relocated for work with JLG Industries, prompting the Trans-Pacific adventure for the family. Their 20-year-old daughter is still in the U.S., studying at the University of Massachusetts.
Before moving to China, Bell was part of a private counseling practice specializing in holistic and integrated psychiatry for two years. Before that, she was a nurse.
But now, Bell says her initial feelings of wanting to flee China have waned after adjusting to life in Tianjin and starting her work at UFH last August.
"If you ask my husband now, he'd tell you I'd love to stay," she said, earnestly.
In December, Bell was also appointed Wellington College's school counselor.
Once a month, Bell moderates the expat support group, which runs every third Monday of the month. It's a confidential space for foreigners to voice their concerns, share advice, get support, and to meet other expats who are going through the same experiences.
Bell parallels expatriation to immigration.
"You go through a grief and bereavement period for all that you lost at home and (having to) start anew," said Bell.
"You have to think of it as a new experience," she said, explaining how she advocates her patients to focus on not what they have lost but to focus on what they can learn and what they can do in China.
But arriving to that point is not easy.
Getting things done, even simple tasks like buying groceries could be a dizzying experience, lasting hours, she says.
"We become more dependent on everybody," said Bell.
"In the U.S., we decry co-dependency. And here, you will need it to survive. So we're almost changing the way we think because we want to be independent, but we can't. It's an overwhelming feeling of: ‘I just want to do it myself,'" she explained.
In the first weeks of her expatriation, Bell said she learned a lot about patience and the lack of it she had.
"My motto was always to let things roll off my back and I wasn't doing it," said Bell, adding, "I needed to step back and say, I'm either going to make it or break it."
After counseling expats for the past few months, Bell has identified three core groups in the community (non-workers, workers, children) and the common struggles they go through. She sheds some light on the dynamic of the three groups. Here's an abridged version of Bell's interview with JIN:
JIN: What has changed between the worker and non-worker relationship when they come to China?
ANN: The non-worker is feeling threatened by the worker having the ability to be a little more off on their own and there are certain things that can happen like extra-marital affairs or things of that nature. There's financial, emotional dependency.
The one staying at home is feeling very insecure because of [the worker's] ability to have affairs, the ability to do what they want to do and you're kind of stuck.
Some of these women and men were working before [coming to China].
You almost lose a sense of yourself. You're becoming more dependent when you're so independent. You're angry, resentful, jealous, sad. The emotions are varied.
JIN: What is the percentage split of those you see who enjoy being here versus those who do not?
Ann: It's probably an equal split, but more towards positive. We do have some who are very negative, but most of them are in the positive side.
There's 30% to 40% [of patients] I've met are angry. And it's only until they find a purpose for themselves … the minute they found a purpose, they move to the other end. [Life] can't necessarily revolve around the children or the spouse, it has to be directly for them.
JIN: How about the children? What are they going through?
Ann: The differences in education. For Americans, our education is different than here. Our kids are taught differently so the expectations are far higher here.
Kids are [coming] from different countries, with different educational backgrounds. The other thing is, the integration into the culture. They say it's easier for the kids, but sometimes it's not. The parents are more stressed than they were at home because of the expectations of them.
We need to look at something for the kids at a certain age. We have a TICC for the adults, lets do a TICC for the kids and let them experience each other and do bowling and movie events and give them skills to interact because we need to learn to cope and deal.
Cutting – that's a big issue in the U.S., but it's happening here because they're so frustrated here, they cut to release endorphins.
For some, cutting's a coping mechanism, but for others, they see others doing it and they do it. Unfortunately, you have some that start it and it spreads like wildfire but then they can't stop it. We need to focus that these kids have the right coping skills.
The other thing is drugs and alcohol.
JIN: Are parents losing grip on their kids here versus back home?
Ann: The parenting styles are different here. If kids were expected to do things like chores back home, they should be expected to do it here because kids need that sense of consistency and normalcy. If we don't provide rules or boundaries, that's when they act out because they just don't know what to do with themselves.
Sometimes I've seen [parents] come here and they've changed the way they do things here. It's completely different from things back home – they kind of give in and just let [the kids] do whatever because they're too busy dealing with their own stuff. They're trying to be the martyr; they're caving when kids need the exact opposite. [Kids] need that consistency from home here because most of them do go home and you have to retrain them all over again.
JIN: What tips do you have to offer for a happy expatriation?
ANN: Explore, explore, explore. Find neat little shops, go take a ride and look around. Slow down, meet and greet people. Learn Chinese, take the time to learn it. It's a frustrating language but at least try, make it fun. Get involved in the community – reach out. Find friends, learn where you live.
You got to make your own experience.
JIN: What advice do you have for the expats who are just counting down the days until their China days are over?
ANN: I'd say what are some of the positives? What are the good things that you remember from here? Because you don't want to walk away hating the whole thing. Think back about the things you really enjoyed and focus in on them. With any situation, lets not always focus on the negative because then you're always going to be negative.
In January, Bell started another support group for working expats.
The next expat support group is on Feb. 18.
Bell is keen on starting new support groups for anyone who is interested in a particular theme – smoking, diabetes, for example. For more information about these groups, or to pitch one, please contact Ann Bell at: ann.bell@ufh.com.cn
