Food tells who you are

By Jim Gibney (JIN Magazine)
Updated: 2012-11-14

Though it's been a quite a while since I have been in the dating scene, for some reason the good people at JIN magazine have asked me to write an article about where to take a person for a first date. After thinking long and hard, because it's been such a long time since I went on a first date, the following is what I have come up with. As I am a male, I am writing from that point of view. I know it is not a definitive, or probably an even helpful, guide but perhaps someone somewhere might find it of some use.

I know that you breathe a sigh of relief when you have finally have got the lovely lady from the flat next door to agree to go out with you on a "date". You have been admiring her from afar for so long. That's one problem solved. However, before you can sit back to congratulate yourself, a sense of self doubt slowly begins to creep over you. You have agreed to go out for a meal, but where will you go? You want a place that will show her the real you. You want a place that will impress. Just where will you take her?

Of course, your choice of eating venue depends on how you see yourself, your personality and how you want her to see you. For the convenience of this article, I have tried to classify the roughly 3 billion men on this planet into five broad groups. This is a big ask and one that is open to debate. Then, using these five broad classes of men as the yardstick, I will try to suggest an appropriate place where each of these five types can take the girl of their dreams. Will you agree? Probably not, but I'll give it a try regardless.

Some people see themselves as the James Bond type. This person will dress impeccably and only have time for the best in everything. They can turn any type of situation around with a clever quip such as his response after electrocuting a villain in a bathtub: "Shocking. Positively shocking." I could never imagine James Bond in his immaculate tuxedo tucking into a bowl of noodles with chopsticks flashing and a bottle of Yanjing beer by his side. Absolutely never. Mr Bond would only eat at a fancy five star Western restaurant.

If you want to channel the James Bond in you can only do it in a five star place like a Western Hotel. Probably, the Sheraton would be the spot where James Bond would hang out in Tianjin. No rice or noodles for him or his date. It would be western food or nothing. Perhaps something French or Italian but you can bet it's not Chinese. So, if there is a little bit of Bond in you the Sheraton or another similar establishment is the only way to go. Sure it might be a little expensive but I never heard him complain about money.

A step down from 007 is the person I will call the conservative. Not everyone wants or can be like James Bond. A conservative is similar to Bond but just does not have his daring or dash. An example of this type could be the character that Hugh Grant has often played in movies like "Notting Hill". This person is well dressed and even though they can be a bit of a bumbler, they always overcome their embarrassments and win through in the end – and get the girl. They order the specialty of the house with confidence.

If you are the Hugh Grant type you could take your date to a fancy Chinese place with big stairs, heavy curtains, waitresses in red qipoas and intimate private rooms. Your choice of restaurant will be elegant, opulent but decidedly unadventurous. You will at first be a little awkward with the chopsticks, you prefer a knife and fork, but soon you are using them with gusto. You impress your date with your knowledge of the menu and familiarity with the staff. One thing for sure, though you are not going to order the dog.

Next in my incredibly broad brush classification of all mankind is the cool guy. I think one of the coolest guys that ever lived was John Lennon. He changed as he aged: from the sharp dressed cheeky Beatle, he morphed into the hippy, then he became the New York family man but he was always cool. This type of person is always hard to pin down because coolness is always changing. What was cool last week is dead boring this week and you need to be a chameleon to be able to keep one step ahead. That was John Lennon.

Lennon would be able to take his date anywhere and eat anything. He could take a first date to Dicos and make it seem the place to be. The next day he could be having mussels and wine by the river at St Regis or sitting on a blanket while picnicking in the park. If the date was for dinner he would take his date down to Italy town where they would share a pizza and a bottle of red wine. If you want to be like Lennon you don't have to go to the cool places to eat because once you eat at a place, it automatically becomes cool.

The next category of person that you could act like on a first date is a cross between the first three types. The person I am describing is similar to the character that Bruce Willis has so successfully played throughout his career. This person is as tough as nails, emotionless and never lets anything distract him from what he has to do. Bruce at a restaurant would calmly look up from his mala dofu as the building fell down around him and say something like "fu wu yuan this mala dofu is just not spicy enough!"

Like John Lennon the Bruce character would be able to take his date anywhere – except perhaps for a picnic in a park. I just can’t imagine Bruce on a blanket in the park. If you want to show your date your inner Bruce you just do you want you to do. If you feel like a jian bing guozi, then that is what you’re having. There is no need to ask your date what she wants or even tell her where you are going. Some women like the strong silent type and a man who knows what to do. The Bruce Willis persona is for them.

If you want to imagine my final type, think George Costanza in "Seinfeldt". Despite being one of the most unappealing characters on TV he still manages to, occasionally at least, get the girl. This seems to prove what my mum told me that there is someone out there for everyone. If you want to channel your inner George onto your date this is what you have to do. You will know exactly the place to go. No question. There is no need to think about it because this place is the cheapest in town with the biggest servings.

All the staff at the restaurant know you and are disrespectful, but only behind your back. You take your own chopsticks because the restaurant supplied ones cost one kuai each. You only open one plastic pack of dishes for the same reason. You have stayed in China so long because you don't have to tip. You don't even have to look at the menu because you order the same thing each week – the cheapest. The beer has to be Yanjin because it is cheaper that Tsingdao. You will look concerned if your date orders a second bowl of rice.

So all you need to do is take your pick. Three easy steps - first, get yourself a date, second, ask yourself: what kind of person am I or want to be, third, follow the instructions. I hope this has been of some help.