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Love is beyond strong emotions
(Shanghai Star)
Updated: 2005-07-25 16:36
Medical researchers in the United States have now confirmed what everyone has
always suspected — lovers are crazy. By doing brain scans of college students in
love, they found the brains of students in love to be similar to those of insane
people.
Do I believe what the scientists reported? Yes and no. I believe when people
fall in love they feel and act in a crazy way. But I do not think people being
crazy in love are the best examples of true love.
Most of us know people in love who do crazy things. One student mentioned to
me that he had a friend who mailed 100 chocolate roses to a girl he was in love
with but his love was rejected. I remember when I was dating my wife I did
things now I would think were a little crazy.
If people who are in love are really crazy, these people might do well to see
what principles crazy people follow to keep out of trouble. John Nash
miraculously recovered from severe schizophrenia. The movie about his life “A
Beautiful Mind” has a scene where he is being interviewed before being awarded
the Nobel Prize. He asks a student he knows if the representative is really
there. Nash has learned to trust in others’ judgments to help him separate
reality from delusion. In learning from Nash’s experience, perhaps a good idea
would be for infatuated people to ask friends or family what they think about
their lover.
The statement that “Love is blind” is all too true. People in love need to
depend on others to help them separate their idealization of who they think
their lover is from the reality of who their counterpart really is. That is one
reason why I don’t advise Internet dating since it is very difficult to get
realistic impressions of supposed Internet counterparts.
Sadly, students have told me that as soon as people finally reach the point
of marriage, “true love dies”. I disagree. It is not the end of true love, but
the beginning of realistic love. I have been married for 21 years in a
cross-cultural marriage. Despite the difficulties of such marriage, I love my
wife now more than ever before. But that does not mean my emotions are always
the same as when I first fell in love. As a matter of fact, love is more than
emotion; it’s both a decision and a commitment.
True love must include making a self sacrificial commitment to always work
for another person’s good. I like to think that falling in love is like a match
lighting a candle. It can start a love relationship. But it doesn’t “hold a
candle” to the true lifelong realistic commitment that makes true love last for
life. Unlike a candle, true love will not grow tired and eventually burn out,
but will grow ever deeper throughout a lifetime.
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