The new, smart alternative to divorce

With the rise in so-called 'relationship sabbaticals', the rush to divorce is slowing down. Instead of calling a lawyer, do you just need to escape?

Relationship sabbaticals suddenly seem to be A Thing. As usual, celebrities lead the way - Emma Thompson recommends them for us all ("Every marriage should have a kind of a sabbatical," she has said. "Couples should be forced to take a break from each other every so often, if just for a year or so").

Donna Air and James Middleton (brother of Kate) had one when he headed off to Hong Kong on business; Gwyneth and Chris Martin were probably having one for years, without anyone realising, before they consciously uncoupled.

Plenty of celebrities are doing a handbrake turn on divorces, too; Phil Collins, for example, is about to remarry his ex-wife after 10 years apart.

One recent survey - funded by lawyers - found that some 22 per cent of divorcees regret theirs. Possibly because more couples are cohabiting first, they are slower to commit to marriage; but they also seem less keen to rush to divorce.

Rates have fallen to their lowest level for 40 years (with the exception being "silver splitters", those racy over-50s). These disparate facts point to the idea that many couples seem increasingly willing to work through other options before hitting the nuclear button.

When marriage becomes dull

Ask anyone who has been there: divorce can be expensive, bitter and have a slow recovery time. Could there be an alternative? It seems so.

"We definitely reached a point where I wasn't desperately unhappy but I wasn't happy either," says Bee, 48, a writer. "My marriage was dull and I'd stopped bothering.

"I was toying with all kinds of ideas - even finding someone to have an affair with - and I fantasised about divorce." So she manoeuvred a situation that meant she "had" to work away from home.

On deadline with a book, she borrowed a friend's apartment in Paris to take herself out of the family home and away from her husband and teenage children for six weeks.

"My husband wasn't happy at all, but it was 'work', I reasoned, and it would just mean no distractions." It was, she says, "fabulous. I was terrified and lonely at first but then... I suppose I knew I had someone to go back to."

Did it work? "Yes, and I'd do it again, like a shot. He came for a weekend and we had fun in a way we hadn't for years.

"When I came back it was a bit awkward. I got the feeling he felt resentful. But getting away gave me a freedom I hadn't had before - I felt that if I had escaped once, I could do it again - and as a result I felt less trapped.

"So, once we had settled back in, our relationship improved. As clich��d as it sounds, we had more fun. I think I'm more accepting now. Will it be a short-term fix? I don't know, but it satisfied an itch and it gave me space to remember what I'd liked about him in the first place."

The intention of returning

The idea of a relationship sabbatical - where you absolutely have the intention of returning, as opposed to a separation, which is more ambiguous - came from US journalist Cheryl Jarvis, who published a book about her own sabbatical and thus raised the question of how women might keep both their relationship and "themselves".

Women struggle to keep their identity in a marriage, Jarvis argues, and what she dubbed a sabbatical is one way to reclaim it. Separating physically, she advises, makes it clear you need space - and you can't get space without distance.

Modern medicine and greater life expectancy mean we potentially have longer with our partners. Add to the mix that, as a general rule, women now have greater economic freedom and there is less stigma attached to divorce, and there's no longer the expectation that we have to stick with a relationship that isn't hitting the mark.

On the other hand, many people are unwilling to throw a hand grenade into a life they have lovingly built, especially one with children, unless it is absolutely necessary.

"Previously in this country, when relationships broke down, there was a rush to divorce,' says Charlotte Friedman, a family law barrister, now a psychotherapist and founder of the Divorce Support Group, which helps couples to negotiate separations.

"In the legal and therapeutic process, I've seen an anxiety to get it over and done with. But I'm getting the sense now that if couples want to separate - which is fine, because why stick together if things aren't working? - they at least want to talk it through first."

Unless there is a financial imperative for divorce, or another compelling reason, sabbatical can be a softer path and a chance to try out two lives in parallel. Friedman sees this scenario increasingly adopted by clients.

"We think relationship sabbaticals can be a good idea," says family lawyer Hayley Trovato of OGR Stock Denton. "Decisions taken in haste, particularly at the height of emotion, will inevitably be bad decisions. Having a break to consider what you should do can either lead to a proper reconciliation, or to a more sensible and dignified divorce."

We all need space

For those with children, the optimum age to think about how green the grass might be minus a partner is after the youngest child has been waved off to university, when the glue of family can't hold the relationship together any longer. That's when fault lines show and women feel freer to consider their options.

"You don't necessarily need to be (working as) a couple to run the business of bringing up your children," says Friedman. Therapists I spoke to are increasingly seeing couples who need space. Ruth Knight, who specialises in couples work, now sees more people who decide they still want their relationship - but not quite as it was.

"They may be having a sabbatical without saying that's what it is," she says. Knight also sees couples who go so far as to live apart for a time. I spoke to many who have done precisely this, though there is no doubt that economic factors oil the wheels of this possibility.

Maintain the same lifestyle

Karen, 59, who is retired, was one. "We have the luxury of a second home in Spain," she says, "where my retired husband spends at least three months a year. It has saved my sanity. Would we have divorced without it? Almost certainly.

"He drives me insane if I'm with him for long periods because he gets more crotchety as he gets older. We've grown apart but we have shared history. I probably should have left him years ago and now I feel it's too late."

This arrangement, she explains, allows them to function as a couple for the family and means she can maintain the same lifestyle.

"We do still get on but it really is better when we have some distance. We can spend hours chatting on the phone when he's abroad - when he's in the same room, I feel differently," she explains. "He never gives me the impression he's counting down the time to the next break, but I certainly am."

Society is increasingly more tolerant of other relationship structures. Rachel, 45, a TV director, has been married for 18 years and regularly escapes from her partner.

"Of course I love John, but it gets a bit mundane," she says.

"I could have an affair but that would be so hurtful I couldn't really do it - this is by far the better option."

With older children, she no longer feels tied to the home. "I go away on location with work once or twice a year, and we holiday apart when we can. Just because you're married and you love them, doesn't mean you want to be with them all the time."

There have been times she has considered leaving, she says. "In retrospect I'm glad I haven't left. We've kept the family together, we get along well. Would I call it a sabbatical? Probably not, but in effect that's what it is, even if he doesn't realise."

(China Daily 10/01/2016 page7)